In about five hours when the sun comes up I'll have to experience the realization I've been avoiding. I've been saying my goodbyes for weeks and enjoying all the goodness that comes with friends and family telling you how much you mean to them. Yeah, it's been pretty darn affirming. Now the tough part comes. Actually leave those good people behind. It's starting to sink in, as you can tell because ideally i'd be packed and asleep hours ago.
So before I start posting the newfindings of Berkley, MI and the good people there I'll take one moment to remember what life was like when i was milking the goodbyes:
3 separate going away parties for parishioners, family, and friends
Besides the people, the food was the better part of the goodbye get togethers: ribs, white fish, burgers and custard, chipotle, homemade pizza, bacon and eggs over a campfire (just to name a few).
Extra special notes and cards, hugs, phone calls and emails. Gratitude gratitude gratitude for such loving people in my life. Can't have a bad day when you're being told all the time how much you're going to be missed and why.
Packing can be Entertaining:
Do i take an extra bottle of contact solution? One less thing to bring or one less thing to buy on a limited stipend?
No matter how I look at it HALF of my suitcase is shoes: required black and brown dress shoes plus running shoes and winter boots and sandals reminds me more a woman's closet than my rapidly filling suitcase.
Flash from the past compiling old CDs onto my Slacker MP3 player and prepare for the future by downloading a trio of songs I'm working on playing on the guitar (Blackbird, Julia and Here Comes the Sun).
Time for New Beginnings:
I think this is my first road trip with just me and my parents. I hope I get to relive some of those out West road trips with mom resting her feet out the window and dad listening in on the CB radio to all the semi-truck drivers. I won't be fighting with Marc, Katie or Leah over the Gameboy or whose turn it is to lay down in the third seat of the suburban, but i'll be sure to have that family road trip crink in my neck and seat belt mark.
And so it begins!
All for the Greater Glory of God (AMDG)
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Following a Trail of Brownie Crumbs
August is a month full of family celebrations. This means mom's baking her wonder brownies overtime. Secret hiding places and notes marked,"SAVE" would usually work for others. I, it seems, have no will power in the face of these chocolate sensations. Thus whenever mom or dad needs to find me, they usually follow the trail of brownie crumbs.
Over the last weeks there has been a trail of sweet joy and sad moments too. Here is one of each:
SWEET JOY: A Nephew is Born:
Noah David Mescher decided it was time to begin life. And the Mescher name lives on. What a blessing it was to hear the joy in my brother's voice as he recounted the experience. And what loving parents Marc and Anne will be para este Noé.
"Any interest in little children? You gay?"
Well, all in all it the conversation passed pretty quickly and harmlessly. But it woke me up out from the illusion that even though i've passed 8 hours of psychological testing, 7 interviews thoroughly discussing every topic immaginable, y mucho mucho mas, i can't escape being associated with the good, the bad, and the ugly i'm signing up for with the Jesuits.
After talking with my dad and a few others i think this week's experience is what a wise man, Henri Nouwen described as life. One of my favorite of his excerpts reads:
Our life is a short time in expectation, a time in which sadness and joy kiss each other at every moment. There is a quality of sadness that pervades all the moments of our life. It seems that there is no such thing as clear-cut pure joy, but that even in the most happy moments of our existence we sense a tinge of sadness. In every satisfaction, there is an awareness of its limitations. In every success, there is the fear of jealousy. Behind every smile, there is a tear. In every embrace, there is loneliness. In every friendship, distance. And in all forms of light, there is the knowledge of surrounding darkness.
Joy and sadness are as close to each other as the splendid colored leaves of a New England fall to the soberness of the barren trees. When you touch the hand of a returning friend, you already know that he will have to leave you again. When you are moved by the quiet vastness of a sun-covered ocean, you miss the friend who cannot see the same. Joy and sadness are born at the same time, both arising from such deep places in your heart that you can't find words to capture your complex emotions.
But this intimate experience in which every bit of life is touched by a bit of death can point us beyond the limits of our existence. It can do so by making us look forward in expectation to the day when our hearts will be filled with perfect joy, a joy no one shall take away from us.
okay good people---much love--and much sweetness (thanks mom for the brownies),
adam
Over the last weeks there has been a trail of sweet joy and sad moments too. Here is one of each:
SWEET JOY: A Nephew is Born:
Noah David Mescher decided it was time to begin life. And the Mescher name lives on. What a blessing it was to hear the joy in my brother's voice as he recounted the experience. And what loving parents Marc and Anne will be para este Noé.
SAD DAY: i'm not too naive to believe that everyone is in love with my decision, priesthood, or the church (and in this case, all three) but boy i gotta admit i was caught off guard when at a friends' birthday party a woman took me aside and very politely asked if she could ask a few questions about my decision.
"Of course!" I've been excitedly responding these days. I was ready for the usual, 'when ya leaving', 'how'd you decide', and 'how do you feel?'
"Have you ever had sex with a woman before?"
(nervous cough/hesitation)
"Um, I'm not really comfortable answering that.""Any interest in little children? You gay?"
Well, all in all it the conversation passed pretty quickly and harmlessly. But it woke me up out from the illusion that even though i've passed 8 hours of psychological testing, 7 interviews thoroughly discussing every topic immaginable, y mucho mucho mas, i can't escape being associated with the good, the bad, and the ugly i'm signing up for with the Jesuits.
After talking with my dad and a few others i think this week's experience is what a wise man, Henri Nouwen described as life. One of my favorite of his excerpts reads:
Our life is a short time in expectation, a time in which sadness and joy kiss each other at every moment. There is a quality of sadness that pervades all the moments of our life. It seems that there is no such thing as clear-cut pure joy, but that even in the most happy moments of our existence we sense a tinge of sadness. In every satisfaction, there is an awareness of its limitations. In every success, there is the fear of jealousy. Behind every smile, there is a tear. In every embrace, there is loneliness. In every friendship, distance. And in all forms of light, there is the knowledge of surrounding darkness.
Joy and sadness are as close to each other as the splendid colored leaves of a New England fall to the soberness of the barren trees. When you touch the hand of a returning friend, you already know that he will have to leave you again. When you are moved by the quiet vastness of a sun-covered ocean, you miss the friend who cannot see the same. Joy and sadness are born at the same time, both arising from such deep places in your heart that you can't find words to capture your complex emotions.
But this intimate experience in which every bit of life is touched by a bit of death can point us beyond the limits of our existence. It can do so by making us look forward in expectation to the day when our hearts will be filled with perfect joy, a joy no one shall take away from us.
okay good people---much love--and much sweetness (thanks mom for the brownies),
adam
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
What IS a Jesuit+ Interesting Facts
I know that everyone has a different level of familiarity with the Jesuits and might appreciate some resources or basic facts to go off of. Even for myself, having been around Jesuits for the last 10 years, I have had to ask many questions about what these next couple of years will look like. So here is a basic start which i might add on to later on:
1. WHAT IS A JESUIT: The main Jesuit website can be found at http://www.jesuit.org/ Summed up the Jesuits are a Catholic religious order similar to Franciscans or Dominicans. What makes them unique is there rule of St. Ignatius and his philosophy of being "Contemplatives in Action." Dominicans (at one time) were separated from society in monasteries. And Franciscans were completely immersed with the poor and marginalized people. Jesuits are seen to have a balance of the two to maintain their work for God.
2. Favorite spelling attempt of "Jesuit": one of the youth in the parish tried J-E-S-O-W-E-T
3. Least favorite part of the interview process: well, besides waiting a couple of weeks for an answer, I'd say an interview that went 5 hours got a little tedious and tiring at the end.
4. Best part of the interview process: sitting down with experienced Jesuits and colleagues of Jesuits and having some of the best conversations of my life talking about what i love am most passionate about: faith, community, service, vows of chastity, poverty and obedience!
5. Favorite Movie About Jesuits: The Mission, with Robert De Niro winning the 1986 Cannes Film Festival and nominated for 7 Academy Awards.....unforgettable music and story. I highly recommend it!
6. Average timeline for ordination: 9 years
7. Average number of parishioners and people who confusingly think i'll be a priest the day i arrive in Detroit this August: 1 in 4
8. What I am most excited about: having a true sense of direction with a program whose mission captures the core of who i am.
9. What I am most nervous about: since these first two years are light on studies and heavy on traveling, retreats, and community life---will the following years be a hard act to follow! And of course, since i've been spoiled by being around family as much as i could want these last 23 years, it'll be real tough to only come home for Christmas for the first two years.
10. Funniest series of questions asked by some of the youth: Youth: "Will you be allowed to drink?" Me: "Yeah, in moderation of course." Youth: "Is it against the rules to hang out with us like before?" Me: "Haha, yeah of course not." Youth: "So, will you be able to still have fun and stuff as a Jesuit." Me: "Man, i don't know what you think of religious life, but oh yeah it'll be a blast."
11. Most interesting item on the "what to bring and not to bring" list: Cooking--you are encourage to know how to cook several meals as you will be expected to take regular turn at cooking for the community. So thanks mom for teaching me lasagna and chili and katie for the banana bread recipe. Any other good ones?
If this triggers any other questions or comments you may have, PLEASE feel free to let me know.
1. WHAT IS A JESUIT: The main Jesuit website can be found at http://www.jesuit.org/ Summed up the Jesuits are a Catholic religious order similar to Franciscans or Dominicans. What makes them unique is there rule of St. Ignatius and his philosophy of being "Contemplatives in Action." Dominicans (at one time) were separated from society in monasteries. And Franciscans were completely immersed with the poor and marginalized people. Jesuits are seen to have a balance of the two to maintain their work for God.
2. Favorite spelling attempt of "Jesuit": one of the youth in the parish tried J-E-S-O-W-E-T
3. Least favorite part of the interview process: well, besides waiting a couple of weeks for an answer, I'd say an interview that went 5 hours got a little tedious and tiring at the end.
4. Best part of the interview process: sitting down with experienced Jesuits and colleagues of Jesuits and having some of the best conversations of my life talking about what i love am most passionate about: faith, community, service, vows of chastity, poverty and obedience!
5. Favorite Movie About Jesuits: The Mission, with Robert De Niro winning the 1986 Cannes Film Festival and nominated for 7 Academy Awards.....unforgettable music and story. I highly recommend it!
6. Average timeline for ordination: 9 years
7. Average number of parishioners and people who confusingly think i'll be a priest the day i arrive in Detroit this August: 1 in 4
8. What I am most excited about: having a true sense of direction with a program whose mission captures the core of who i am.
9. What I am most nervous about: since these first two years are light on studies and heavy on traveling, retreats, and community life---will the following years be a hard act to follow! And of course, since i've been spoiled by being around family as much as i could want these last 23 years, it'll be real tough to only come home for Christmas for the first two years.
10. Funniest series of questions asked by some of the youth: Youth: "Will you be allowed to drink?" Me: "Yeah, in moderation of course." Youth: "Is it against the rules to hang out with us like before?" Me: "Haha, yeah of course not." Youth: "So, will you be able to still have fun and stuff as a Jesuit." Me: "Man, i don't know what you think of religious life, but oh yeah it'll be a blast."
11. Most interesting item on the "what to bring and not to bring" list: Cooking--you are encourage to know how to cook several meals as you will be expected to take regular turn at cooking for the community. So thanks mom for teaching me lasagna and chili and katie for the banana bread recipe. Any other good ones?
If this triggers any other questions or comments you may have, PLEASE feel free to let me know.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
The Defining Moment
Life is more easily understood with defining moments, clear cut paths, and with a passion that convinces us we'd never want to live apart from love at its fullest. So, people want to know: Was there a defining moment when deciding to apply to the Jesuits? Absolutely, without a doubt. But, it was nothing like I thought it would be like.
My good friend Padre Jose Moreno often explains the difference between faith and belief. You can believe something to be true, but to have faith is to know truth. My decision making was an anxious process of trying to answer the question, now what with my life? There were so many things I had interest in doing but I felt that none of them satisfied me for the long-term. I had a hunch that if this was the time to explore the Jesuits, God would do something obvious. He did, but in an obviously subtle way.
The best way to explain my defining moment is to use the Gospel story of Jesus meeting the Rich Young Man as told in Mark 10:17-31. This may be difficult to connect and it's okay if you don't see the whole picture after I'm done because the Jesuits asked me to write 15 pages to explain what I meant by this :)
Christ's invitation to the Rich Young Man felt just as direct to me as it seemed to him. The invitation that Christ extends to us embodies much more than just an invitation to join the Jesuits. I had thought that decision-making or thoughtful discernment required a prayerful but practical approach to a very specific situation. What I'm realizing is that our decisions, even basic ones, are invited to be so much more cosmically beautiful than that.
Now, like I said, I had 15 pages to articulate the defining moment for the Jesuits and so forgive me as I summarize and simplify a very profound reality and experience. Going back to the Rich Young Man, Christ's invitation to me this past spring NEVER mentioned a word about the Jesuits. It was like two very close friends who don't even need to say a word to discuss amongst or understand each other. But I believe I was given a moment of clarity, a moment to see past my primative discernment thought process and finally be able to watch a vision of my future unfold as a Jesuit. I saw and felt the most intense fear and love I'd ever experienced. I watched myself dissapoint my friends and family and I watched myself fall in love with them in ways I never thought possible. That's what Christ offered: vision, reality, honesty, and in the end; love perfected. After some time it was turn to figure out how to respond to this. And like with the Rich Young Man, that decision is always ours.
I guess I always immaturely dreamed about reaching a point in life where my decisions lead me to a point where I was at peace all of the time, or at least most of the time. Ha, yeah I think Thomas More called that Utopia. Well I understand more clearly that's not how life works. And I don't think that's love at it's deepest and best form. So instead I look to this profound experience with Christ and reflecting on the stepping stone path he has guided me on up to this point. I decided since I won't be able to find a utopian decision in this world, then at the very least, I hope I can experience life's terror and beauty more through the eyes of this wise and saving man we call Christ.
My good friend Padre Jose Moreno often explains the difference between faith and belief. You can believe something to be true, but to have faith is to know truth. My decision making was an anxious process of trying to answer the question, now what with my life? There were so many things I had interest in doing but I felt that none of them satisfied me for the long-term. I had a hunch that if this was the time to explore the Jesuits, God would do something obvious. He did, but in an obviously subtle way.
The best way to explain my defining moment is to use the Gospel story of Jesus meeting the Rich Young Man as told in Mark 10:17-31. This may be difficult to connect and it's okay if you don't see the whole picture after I'm done because the Jesuits asked me to write 15 pages to explain what I meant by this :)
Christ's invitation to the Rich Young Man felt just as direct to me as it seemed to him. The invitation that Christ extends to us embodies much more than just an invitation to join the Jesuits. I had thought that decision-making or thoughtful discernment required a prayerful but practical approach to a very specific situation. What I'm realizing is that our decisions, even basic ones, are invited to be so much more cosmically beautiful than that.
Now, like I said, I had 15 pages to articulate the defining moment for the Jesuits and so forgive me as I summarize and simplify a very profound reality and experience. Going back to the Rich Young Man, Christ's invitation to me this past spring NEVER mentioned a word about the Jesuits. It was like two very close friends who don't even need to say a word to discuss amongst or understand each other. But I believe I was given a moment of clarity, a moment to see past my primative discernment thought process and finally be able to watch a vision of my future unfold as a Jesuit. I saw and felt the most intense fear and love I'd ever experienced. I watched myself dissapoint my friends and family and I watched myself fall in love with them in ways I never thought possible. That's what Christ offered: vision, reality, honesty, and in the end; love perfected. After some time it was turn to figure out how to respond to this. And like with the Rich Young Man, that decision is always ours.
I guess I always immaturely dreamed about reaching a point in life where my decisions lead me to a point where I was at peace all of the time, or at least most of the time. Ha, yeah I think Thomas More called that Utopia. Well I understand more clearly that's not how life works. And I don't think that's love at it's deepest and best form. So instead I look to this profound experience with Christ and reflecting on the stepping stone path he has guided me on up to this point. I decided since I won't be able to find a utopian decision in this world, then at the very least, I hope I can experience life's terror and beauty more through the eyes of this wise and saving man we call Christ.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I Remember When I Wanted Nothing to Do with the Jesuits
I was first introduced to who Jesuits were at the age of 14 when I began my freshman year at Marquette High School. It wasn't until mid-sophomore that the thought of that life might be for me. In fact I clearly remember my first thought of being a Jesuit was shrugged off by a "whoa, no way!" reaction. It was kind of like how a elementary boy responds when his friend suggests that girls can actually be okay to be around.
After a while the Jesuits grew on me. By senior year I had gotten so comfortable with the idea that I even talked about forgoing college to apply. Fortunately good mentors, both Jesuit and non-Jesuit, strongly suggested I continue to explore my options while attending a university.
Time passed and I grew-up a bit more. I loved dating, traveling, and dreaming about how I'd save the world. All that without much thought of the Jesuits. At times it was as if I believed I outgrew that vocation, as if it was no more than an innocent crush of my youth. I felt this the most when I when little old ladies or other religious people or family members who sometimes ask, "So what about the priesthood? Whatever happened to your interest in that?" or the favorited classic, "Oh, but there is such a need for good priests." I never knew how to respond to them and usually I'd end up saying, "I have been thinking about it for a while now. I guess you can't rush figuring out God's will for your life." But really I was kind of annoyed being singled out over and over seemingly because I was a young male known to be more comfortable with my faith and spirituality.
In high school when I was quite infatuated with the idea of the Jesuits, I made sort of a deal with myself that I would not skip college but I would apply right after my graduation at Marquette. So when graduation day came and went and I made other plans that did not include the Jesuits, it seemed that I only added fodder to the fire of the little old ladies, religious, and family members. One particular day I was cornered by two from the list, one of which being my mom. I remember her saying on the phone, "Why don't you just become a Jesuit already? I mean really, what are you waiting for?"
Agitated but not articulate we ended our conversation with my future as clear as mud. I avoided approaching my most personal desires and instead made a pathetic plea with God. Now 7 years after considering the idea of the Jesuits, I had a sick feeling that I needed to figure out if this was a legitimate possibility. This was during a time I knew I needed a change from my work as a youth minister but I had no idea what the change was. Basically what my mom had done was kick all my anxiety about planning my next stage into high gear.
My pathetic plea to God took on the form of a nervious-wreck of a 23-year old pacing up and down the church aisles mumbling over and over, "Alright God, help me out here, help me out here...." I was so desperate for any response I half expected the crucifix to suddenly come to life and give me an answer about what to do: either go back to school, continue youth ministry, or try something else like community organizing. I basically dared God to tell me to be a Jesuit. And what happened? Well, nothing and everything really. Like a parent to a tightly wound-up child I emptied out all of my anxiety pacing that carpet for quite some time and mumbling until my lips were tired of forming the same words over and over again. I took one last hopeful look at the stationary crucifix and turned for home.
This one, God seemed to say, was for no one but me to call.
After a while the Jesuits grew on me. By senior year I had gotten so comfortable with the idea that I even talked about forgoing college to apply. Fortunately good mentors, both Jesuit and non-Jesuit, strongly suggested I continue to explore my options while attending a university.
Time passed and I grew-up a bit more. I loved dating, traveling, and dreaming about how I'd save the world. All that without much thought of the Jesuits. At times it was as if I believed I outgrew that vocation, as if it was no more than an innocent crush of my youth. I felt this the most when I when little old ladies or other religious people or family members who sometimes ask, "So what about the priesthood? Whatever happened to your interest in that?" or the favorited classic, "Oh, but there is such a need for good priests." I never knew how to respond to them and usually I'd end up saying, "I have been thinking about it for a while now. I guess you can't rush figuring out God's will for your life." But really I was kind of annoyed being singled out over and over seemingly because I was a young male known to be more comfortable with my faith and spirituality.
In high school when I was quite infatuated with the idea of the Jesuits, I made sort of a deal with myself that I would not skip college but I would apply right after my graduation at Marquette. So when graduation day came and went and I made other plans that did not include the Jesuits, it seemed that I only added fodder to the fire of the little old ladies, religious, and family members. One particular day I was cornered by two from the list, one of which being my mom. I remember her saying on the phone, "Why don't you just become a Jesuit already? I mean really, what are you waiting for?"
Agitated but not articulate we ended our conversation with my future as clear as mud. I avoided approaching my most personal desires and instead made a pathetic plea with God. Now 7 years after considering the idea of the Jesuits, I had a sick feeling that I needed to figure out if this was a legitimate possibility. This was during a time I knew I needed a change from my work as a youth minister but I had no idea what the change was. Basically what my mom had done was kick all my anxiety about planning my next stage into high gear.
My pathetic plea to God took on the form of a nervious-wreck of a 23-year old pacing up and down the church aisles mumbling over and over, "Alright God, help me out here, help me out here...." I was so desperate for any response I half expected the crucifix to suddenly come to life and give me an answer about what to do: either go back to school, continue youth ministry, or try something else like community organizing. I basically dared God to tell me to be a Jesuit. And what happened? Well, nothing and everything really. Like a parent to a tightly wound-up child I emptied out all of my anxiety pacing that carpet for quite some time and mumbling until my lips were tired of forming the same words over and over again. I took one last hopeful look at the stationary crucifix and turned for home.
This one, God seemed to say, was for no one but me to call.
A Good Place to Begin
Since we are all human, we are capable of analyzing and critiquing nearly every observation and action we witness or participate in. Cynicism is such an easy impulse. I know from experience. At times this tendency of humanity can intimidate or discourage my desire to be my most authentic self around others.
However, since we are all human, we are also capable of tremendous understanding and compassion. I am grateful to say that I have family and friends who see past my tendencies and oddities and have the ability to see our hearts on the backdrop of the universe. With this view, they somehow find a way to understand us.
You will find that this blog will be filled with typos, unfamiliar or unclear references, just to name a few. But I know that you will also find my heart against a backdrop of many others, hopefully with your own. And I know that through it all we will somehow find a way to understand each other :)
However, since we are all human, we are also capable of tremendous understanding and compassion. I am grateful to say that I have family and friends who see past my tendencies and oddities and have the ability to see our hearts on the backdrop of the universe. With this view, they somehow find a way to understand us.
You will find that this blog will be filled with typos, unfamiliar or unclear references, just to name a few. But I know that you will also find my heart against a backdrop of many others, hopefully with your own. And I know that through it all we will somehow find a way to understand each other :)
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