Just days before Christmas and the Novitiate house buzzing with holiday excitement, I never anticipated that I would be packing my bags not just for a home visit but a return home. After experiencing a severe panic attack, it was decided between the Jesuit staff and myself to take a break from the novitiate program and take the time necessary to take care of myself close to family and appropriate resources.
I have felt frightened, embarrassed, disappointed, and mostly confused. But because Christ is born, that means dawn will break after a long dark night. And all of this unexpected newness is always transformed into a GIFT. I was told by a good friend that the road to recovery is not a straight line. But you and I know that it is God's greatest quality to make straight with crooked paths. The gift of this tough reality of leaving the Jesuits is that I can focus more radically on myself, my needs, and my relationship with God. It may sound a bit odd that now I can focus on the God-I relationship leaving the Jesuits for a time, but one can use a great program like the Jesuits as a distraction from what one needs most. I am face to face with that reality now.
So as my brothers prepare for their 30 days silent retreat I will pray from them and begin my own retreat, St. Ignatius' 19th annotation of the Spiritual Exercises (a version of the 30 days spread over several months) to keep me connected and rooted to my Jesuit passion. I have a great man as a Jesuit spiritual director.
I've appreciated all your support to get me to this point and I will continue to keep you updated on where I am going.
First step now being back in the real world: take things slow but eventually a car, job, cell phone and apartment.
Life is a gift and I and grateful to celebrate this Christmas with all of you. Christ our savior has given us every good thing in our lives and constantly wants to transform the crooked lines to make them straight. Pray that I allow him to do so these coming days and weeks ahead.
God Bless you this Christmas and may you receive every blessing, even the unexpected ones.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
My Man
One word that comes to mind when asked to describe novitiate life is generous. The extent of resources and support systems that are put in place for our well being is overwhelming.
Fulfilling job? yes, definitely. teaching children and visiting the elderly.
Eats? oh man, Miss Kris Lee can make everything between a mean pot-roast to middle eastern magic.
Shelter? a house of the most caring and generous 24 men i've ever met.
Prayer? never better with weekly spiritual direction, daily mass and communal prayer, weekly faith sharing, nature walks and runs all contemplating a God who loves me more than i can ever believe or accept.
I could go on and on, but honestly, it is a bit hard at times to realize that I'm this well taken care of when i know many are not. Overall, i accept the reality i live in and the challenge it presents to me to give generously back. I know that all this lavish love is building a foundation within me to allow me to be the man God imagines me to be. By being ministered to now, i can hopefully be a better minister in the future. By receiving more than I can give back now, i will be able to give generous even when I may not be receiving anything later.
But there are moments when the tough realities of the world finds a way to reach me and the stark divide of lavish goods between myself and many of our brothers and sisters is evident. A few nights ago this very feeling was real as a man approached my parents and I in a parking lot. He explained he had just been in a fight with his wife. He pointed to his blackened eyes and asked us to help him with a few dollars so he could prepare for an interview the next day. As we ate our dinner the reality began to settle in that there are many so close among us who struggle to live decently day to day.
Tonight, it was watching my current favorite film, A Patch of Blue. I think I find this movie so moving because it reminds me of the stark reality of many of the youth I worked with and befriended as a Youth Minister in Milwaukee. So when I watched the film unfold again and witness all the trash our world has dumped out, I not only feel a twinge of uneasiness but helplessness as well.
But God always seems to find little ways to bring me back from my feelings of helplessness and remind me how to love in the Jesuit charism of small ways now so as to be trusted with larger love later. And here is how he showed me:
I was making my way towards my guilty-pleasure oasis; the local Panera for a my favorite comfort food, broccoli cheddar soup bread bowl and a cafe mocha. I saw a familiar face approaching the entrance after me. He was coming from his beat-up work van. I recognized his mostly salt and less pepper untrimmed beard and patched work clothes. I have to admit i was motivated by guilt. The week before i spied this man in Panera and honestly thought he might be homeless. Seeing his work van made me embarrassed and I realized how hard he might be working to make ends meet. So i stalled to get to the door just enough so i could hold it open for him. he said two words that not only healed my guilt but put pep in my step. His popped up and flashed me a smiling saying, "My man." Two words. No big deal. But i cherish that encounter as a reminder there are many large but sometimes small ways to reconcile my life of "haves" while living in a world many "have nots."
Lord, teach me to receive your love generously. And teach me to give as generously as you.
Fulfilling job? yes, definitely. teaching children and visiting the elderly.
Eats? oh man, Miss Kris Lee can make everything between a mean pot-roast to middle eastern magic.
Shelter? a house of the most caring and generous 24 men i've ever met.
Prayer? never better with weekly spiritual direction, daily mass and communal prayer, weekly faith sharing, nature walks and runs all contemplating a God who loves me more than i can ever believe or accept.
I could go on and on, but honestly, it is a bit hard at times to realize that I'm this well taken care of when i know many are not. Overall, i accept the reality i live in and the challenge it presents to me to give generously back. I know that all this lavish love is building a foundation within me to allow me to be the man God imagines me to be. By being ministered to now, i can hopefully be a better minister in the future. By receiving more than I can give back now, i will be able to give generous even when I may not be receiving anything later.
But there are moments when the tough realities of the world finds a way to reach me and the stark divide of lavish goods between myself and many of our brothers and sisters is evident. A few nights ago this very feeling was real as a man approached my parents and I in a parking lot. He explained he had just been in a fight with his wife. He pointed to his blackened eyes and asked us to help him with a few dollars so he could prepare for an interview the next day. As we ate our dinner the reality began to settle in that there are many so close among us who struggle to live decently day to day.
Tonight, it was watching my current favorite film, A Patch of Blue. I think I find this movie so moving because it reminds me of the stark reality of many of the youth I worked with and befriended as a Youth Minister in Milwaukee. So when I watched the film unfold again and witness all the trash our world has dumped out, I not only feel a twinge of uneasiness but helplessness as well.
But God always seems to find little ways to bring me back from my feelings of helplessness and remind me how to love in the Jesuit charism of small ways now so as to be trusted with larger love later. And here is how he showed me:
I was making my way towards my guilty-pleasure oasis; the local Panera for a my favorite comfort food, broccoli cheddar soup bread bowl and a cafe mocha. I saw a familiar face approaching the entrance after me. He was coming from his beat-up work van. I recognized his mostly salt and less pepper untrimmed beard and patched work clothes. I have to admit i was motivated by guilt. The week before i spied this man in Panera and honestly thought he might be homeless. Seeing his work van made me embarrassed and I realized how hard he might be working to make ends meet. So i stalled to get to the door just enough so i could hold it open for him. he said two words that not only healed my guilt but put pep in my step. His popped up and flashed me a smiling saying, "My man." Two words. No big deal. But i cherish that encounter as a reminder there are many large but sometimes small ways to reconcile my life of "haves" while living in a world many "have nots."
Lord, teach me to receive your love generously. And teach me to give as generously as you.
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