Just days before Christmas and the Novitiate house buzzing with holiday excitement, I never anticipated that I would be packing my bags not just for a home visit but a return home. After experiencing a severe panic attack, it was decided between the Jesuit staff and myself to take a break from the novitiate program and take the time necessary to take care of myself close to family and appropriate resources.
I have felt frightened, embarrassed, disappointed, and mostly confused. But because Christ is born, that means dawn will break after a long dark night. And all of this unexpected newness is always transformed into a GIFT. I was told by a good friend that the road to recovery is not a straight line. But you and I know that it is God's greatest quality to make straight with crooked paths. The gift of this tough reality of leaving the Jesuits is that I can focus more radically on myself, my needs, and my relationship with God. It may sound a bit odd that now I can focus on the God-I relationship leaving the Jesuits for a time, but one can use a great program like the Jesuits as a distraction from what one needs most. I am face to face with that reality now.
So as my brothers prepare for their 30 days silent retreat I will pray from them and begin my own retreat, St. Ignatius' 19th annotation of the Spiritual Exercises (a version of the 30 days spread over several months) to keep me connected and rooted to my Jesuit passion. I have a great man as a Jesuit spiritual director.
I've appreciated all your support to get me to this point and I will continue to keep you updated on where I am going.
First step now being back in the real world: take things slow but eventually a car, job, cell phone and apartment.
Life is a gift and I and grateful to celebrate this Christmas with all of you. Christ our savior has given us every good thing in our lives and constantly wants to transform the crooked lines to make them straight. Pray that I allow him to do so these coming days and weeks ahead.
God Bless you this Christmas and may you receive every blessing, even the unexpected ones.
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Adam
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that you have nothing to be ashamed of. The enemy who hates you will tell you you've failed. But friend, pray against every thought of our adversary in the name, the blood, and the cross of our Lord Jesus and he will flee from you. Rest in the love of Christ, and know that He has already loved and accepted you, just as you are. And that he does have awesome plans for you. You can put your full weight down on His promises.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight"(Proverbs 3:5-6).
I hope this encourages you a little bit. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
In Him,
Sharkey