From Wintry Cold to Sunshine Warm

Driving through the night and into the dawn on Interstate 65 our weary eyes nearly turned in unison to the review mirror at which we cried out, "Are you kidding me? Is this really happening?" We had driven more than 1,000 miles south from wintry Wisconsin to vacation in Florida only to find that the digital temperature readout flashed 32 degrees.....the same temperature as back home.

And that was how the first week in the Sunshine State felt; chilly and frosty. I have found it difficult to explain the roller coaster ride of emotions I have felt in recent months, but the unpleasant weather seemed to capture my feelings unfortunately well. Here I was on vacation with no cares or concerns with those I loved most and I felt overcome by lowliness. I wanted to shout out "I need! I hurt!" I don't know what I needed or what I was being hurt by, just that I was in need, I was hurting. It is utterly confusing to watch dolphins jumping and diving or my little neices laughing and playing and not feel at all connected to their excitement and natural beauty. I guess this is what it feels like to be stuck in a depressive episode. Each time I look to the rear view mirror and exclaim, "Are you kidding me? Is this really happening.....again?" It is like being stuck in a maze with terrible deja vous. Everything is strikingly familiar except the way out. So you stumble through, yet again, and wait for the roller coaster to change direction.

The good news is the weather finally warmed up in Florida. By the end of the first week, I even got sunburned :) The tide began to turn my way and beautiful moments like flying a kite with little Josephine became actual joys, not just passing illusions. I was no longer a bystander in my own life. A particular highlight happened one morning on a beachside run. I stopped to stretch while gazing at the sunrise. As I began a short prayer my hands grasped for the sand in front of me. Just below the surface my fingers curled around a perfectly smooth and colorful shell. I marveled at its unique flat shape, almost like that of a sand dollar. Yet its white smooth surface was delicately decorated with a purple swirl. It was if my eyes were opened to beauty once again. I looked around and began to notice this same family of shells all over. Getting excited, I returned back to the source of grace, my prayer. Then a strange invitation came. I felt a whisper lead me to scan the beach, find another beautiful shell, pick it up with love, reach towards the sky and say aloud, "Adam, I found you. You are precious to me." I repeated this until my hands were full of this unique kind of shell. I felt more loved and more myself than I felt in a long time.

Since coming home, I've been adjusting to the roller coaster rides. Maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about and understand the confusion. I find it helps to cry out, "I need! I hurt!" even if I don't know what exactly. Eventually the storm passes and the sun warms the chill. This week has been particularly special in that I feel that I have broken the roller coaster cycle for once. All the hard work has paid off. It feels good to see progress. It feels good to feel and be myself.