The Defining Moment

Life is more easily understood with defining moments, clear cut paths, and with a passion that convinces us we'd never want to live apart from love at its fullest. So, people want to know: Was there a defining moment when deciding to apply to the Jesuits? Absolutely, without a doubt. But, it was nothing like I thought it would be like.


My good friend Padre Jose Moreno often explains the difference between faith and belief. You can believe something to be true, but to have faith is to know truth. My decision making was an anxious process of trying to answer the question, now what with my life? There were so many things I had interest in doing but I felt that none of them satisfied me for the long-term. I had a hunch that if this was the time to explore the Jesuits, God would do something obvious. He did, but in an obviously subtle way.

The best way to explain my defining moment is to use the Gospel story of Jesus meeting the Rich Young Man as told in Mark 10:17-31. This may be difficult to connect and it's okay if you don't see the whole picture after I'm done because the Jesuits asked me to write 15 pages to explain what I meant by this :)

Christ's invitation to the Rich Young Man felt just as direct to me as it seemed to him. The invitation that Christ extends to us embodies much more than just an invitation to join the Jesuits. I had thought that decision-making or thoughtful discernment required a prayerful but practical approach to a very specific situation. What I'm realizing is that our decisions, even basic ones, are invited to be so much more cosmically beautiful than that.

Now, like I said, I had 15 pages to articulate the defining moment for the Jesuits and so forgive me as I summarize and simplify a very profound reality and experience. Going back to the Rich Young Man, Christ's invitation to me this past spring NEVER mentioned a word about the Jesuits. It was like two very close friends who don't even need to say a word to discuss amongst or understand each other. But I believe I was given a moment of clarity, a moment to see past my primative discernment thought process and finally be able to watch a vision of my future unfold as a Jesuit. I saw and felt the most intense fear and love I'd ever experienced. I watched myself dissapoint my friends and family and I watched myself fall in love with them in ways I never thought possible. That's what Christ offered: vision, reality, honesty, and in the end; love perfected. After some time it was turn to figure out how to respond to this. And like with the Rich Young Man, that decision is always ours.

I guess I always immaturely dreamed about reaching a point in life where my decisions lead me to a point where I was at peace all of the time, or at least most of the time. Ha, yeah I think Thomas More called that Utopia. Well I understand more clearly that's not how life works. And I don't think that's love at it's deepest and best form. So instead I look to this profound experience with Christ and reflecting on the stepping stone path he has guided me on up to this point. I decided since I won't be able to find a utopian decision in this world, then at the very least, I hope I can experience life's terror and beauty more through the eyes of this wise and saving man we call Christ.