I Remember When I Wanted Nothing to Do with the Jesuits

I was first introduced to who Jesuits were at the age of 14 when I began my freshman year at Marquette High School. It wasn't until mid-sophomore that the thought of that life might be for me. In fact I clearly remember my first thought of being a Jesuit was shrugged off by a "whoa, no way!" reaction. It was kind of like how a elementary boy responds when his friend suggests that girls can actually be okay to be around.

After a while the Jesuits grew on me. By senior year I had gotten so comfortable with the idea that I even talked about forgoing college to apply. Fortunately good mentors, both Jesuit and non-Jesuit, strongly suggested I continue to explore my options while attending a university.

Time passed and I grew-up a bit more. I loved dating, traveling, and dreaming about how I'd save the world. All that without much thought of the Jesuits. At times it was as if I believed I outgrew that vocation, as if it was no more than an innocent crush of my youth. I felt this the most when I when little old ladies or other religious people or family members who sometimes ask, "So what about the priesthood? Whatever happened to your interest in that?" or the favorited classic, "Oh, but there is such a need for good priests." I never knew how to respond to them and usually I'd end up saying, "I have been thinking about it for a while now. I guess you can't rush figuring out God's will for your life." But really I was kind of annoyed being singled out over and over seemingly because I was a young male known to be more comfortable with my faith and spirituality.

In high school when I was quite infatuated with the idea of the Jesuits, I made sort of a deal with myself that I would not skip college but I would apply right after my graduation at Marquette. So when graduation day came and went and I made other plans that did not include the Jesuits, it seemed that I only added fodder to the fire of the little old ladies, religious, and family members. One particular day I was cornered by two from the list, one of which being my mom. I remember her saying on the phone, "Why don't you just become a Jesuit already? I mean really, what are you waiting for?"

Agitated but not articulate we ended our conversation with my future as clear as mud. I avoided approaching my most personal desires and instead made a pathetic plea with God. Now 7 years after considering the idea of the Jesuits, I had a sick feeling that I needed to figure out if this was a legitimate possibility. This was during a time I knew I needed a change from my work as a youth minister but I had no idea what the change was. Basically what my mom had done was kick all my anxiety about planning my next stage into high gear.

My pathetic plea to God took on the form of a nervious-wreck of a 23-year old pacing up and down the church aisles mumbling over and over, "Alright God, help me out here, help me out here...." I was so desperate for any response I half expected the crucifix to suddenly come to life and give me an answer about what to do: either go back to school, continue youth ministry, or try something else like community organizing. I basically dared God to tell me to be a Jesuit. And what happened? Well, nothing and everything really. Like a parent to a tightly wound-up child I emptied out all of my anxiety pacing that carpet for quite some time and mumbling until my lips were tired of forming the same words over and over again. I took one last hopeful look at the stationary crucifix and turned for home.

This one, God seemed to say, was for no one but me to call.