From Wintry Cold to Sunshine Warm

Driving through the night and into the dawn on Interstate 65 our weary eyes nearly turned in unison to the review mirror at which we cried out, "Are you kidding me? Is this really happening?" We had driven more than 1,000 miles south from wintry Wisconsin to vacation in Florida only to find that the digital temperature readout flashed 32 degrees.....the same temperature as back home.

And that was how the first week in the Sunshine State felt; chilly and frosty. I have found it difficult to explain the roller coaster ride of emotions I have felt in recent months, but the unpleasant weather seemed to capture my feelings unfortunately well. Here I was on vacation with no cares or concerns with those I loved most and I felt overcome by lowliness. I wanted to shout out "I need! I hurt!" I don't know what I needed or what I was being hurt by, just that I was in need, I was hurting. It is utterly confusing to watch dolphins jumping and diving or my little neices laughing and playing and not feel at all connected to their excitement and natural beauty. I guess this is what it feels like to be stuck in a depressive episode. Each time I look to the rear view mirror and exclaim, "Are you kidding me? Is this really happening.....again?" It is like being stuck in a maze with terrible deja vous. Everything is strikingly familiar except the way out. So you stumble through, yet again, and wait for the roller coaster to change direction.

The good news is the weather finally warmed up in Florida. By the end of the first week, I even got sunburned :) The tide began to turn my way and beautiful moments like flying a kite with little Josephine became actual joys, not just passing illusions. I was no longer a bystander in my own life. A particular highlight happened one morning on a beachside run. I stopped to stretch while gazing at the sunrise. As I began a short prayer my hands grasped for the sand in front of me. Just below the surface my fingers curled around a perfectly smooth and colorful shell. I marveled at its unique flat shape, almost like that of a sand dollar. Yet its white smooth surface was delicately decorated with a purple swirl. It was if my eyes were opened to beauty once again. I looked around and began to notice this same family of shells all over. Getting excited, I returned back to the source of grace, my prayer. Then a strange invitation came. I felt a whisper lead me to scan the beach, find another beautiful shell, pick it up with love, reach towards the sky and say aloud, "Adam, I found you. You are precious to me." I repeated this until my hands were full of this unique kind of shell. I felt more loved and more myself than I felt in a long time.

Since coming home, I've been adjusting to the roller coaster rides. Maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about and understand the confusion. I find it helps to cry out, "I need! I hurt!" even if I don't know what exactly. Eventually the storm passes and the sun warms the chill. This week has been particularly special in that I feel that I have broken the roller coaster cycle for once. All the hard work has paid off. It feels good to see progress. It feels good to feel and be myself.

Cause for Celebration

Today something miraculous happened. For the first time in my life I repaired not just ONE, but THREE appliances...... on my own.

All those years convinced I was not mechanically inclined?

Ha!

Yes, I laugh in your face. Today, you are a liar.

Since returning home from the Jesuit Novitiate, it has been a gift to work for my father's appliance repair business. I cannot properly explain the feeling when you take a dryer apart very slowly, worried you might forget which crucial piece or screw goes where. And on top of it all you are able to identify the cause of the unwanted noise, in most cases, a bad belt. Replacing the belt with a smile, I crossed my fingers and I pieced the machine back together. What a simple success it was to plug the machine back into the wall turning it on only to hear the machine running smoother than before. Ahh, oh the feeling of productivity again, how you make me happy.

Any dryer complaints? Ask away.
Next stop for conquering inward lies: dishwashers!

Invictus

Today I was surprised to find a small rectangular package in the mailbox. It was postmarked from my book club friend, Brittany. Basically we swap our latest book recommendations to one another. The problem was, we had just swapped...so what was this package about?

As I impatiently pulled back the strongly secured cardboard in the crisp winter air outside the mailbox I thought back to think if she had actually returned my last novel and if this was the belated return....which would be a shame because we just caught up in person just days before and she could have saved on the postage.

I was thrown off again when i saw my view was blocked by paper stuffed around the smaller black rectangle i assumed was my old book. Pulling the paper out I realized it was a frame of some sort. I peeled the paper cover to protect the glass and found a poem entitled, Invictus.

I smiled and remembered our conversation.

It was New Years Day and I was having a rough week. I had recently been told by the Jesuits that it would be best to return home. In asking them when I might be ready to return, the reply was, "at least 2 years." Break ups are never easy and I guess that goes for vocations that you fall in love with. I would have to fall out of love with a life I had been discerning since I was a young boy watching my older brother introduce me to his Jesuit High School.

So appropriately on New Years, I was with my good and old friend Brittany when I could not face many family or friends at all with the loss and confusion I was feeling. We talked about my unexpected return home and the reasons why. I confided in her my vast sense of sadness and darkness. But I shared with her my recent favorite movie quote; yes from the famous story of Nelson Mandela, Invictus. In the movie he is able to motivate a whole nation from apartheid to a more whole and reconciled South Africa with the words,

"I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul."

I told Brittany that he gave me hope. Hope to believe beyond grief. Hope that restores faith in a broken heart to dare to love again.

And so Brittany went home and dug up her old English Literature book from our days at Marquette and recognized the poem she had read in class. In her note she says, "I ripped this poem out of Norton's Anthology of English Literature from my sophomore year British Literature 023 class at Marquette. I figured you could use it more than I could right now. I hope it brings you some peace of mind and perhaps a little confident reminder of how unconquerable you are my friend."

I leave you with the poem in it's entirety by William Ernest Henley. He wrote this as he was being hospitalized for his foot been amputated at the ankle. After reading the poem it makes sense that the movie makes of Invictus choose this poem. Hopefully it is evident why these words mean so much to me at this time.

For all those who have generously reached out to me these transitioning last weeks, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I apologize for my delay, but I've had to grieve and reorient myself with my Lord again. I am doing and feeling much better and look forward to reconnecting and reliving our friendships. Every good blessing to you and yours today and always:

Invictus*

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley, 1875

* Invictus is latin for unconquered

An Unexpected Christmas Gift

Just days before Christmas and the Novitiate house buzzing with holiday excitement, I never anticipated that I would be packing my bags not just for a home visit but a return home. After experiencing a severe panic attack, it was decided between the Jesuit staff and myself to take a break from the novitiate program and take the time necessary to take care of myself close to family and appropriate resources.

I have felt frightened, embarrassed, disappointed, and mostly confused. But because Christ is born, that means dawn will break after a long dark night. And all of this unexpected newness is always transformed into a GIFT. I was told by a good friend that the road to recovery is not a straight line. But you and I know that it is God's greatest quality to make straight with crooked paths. The gift of this tough reality of leaving the Jesuits is that I can focus more radically on myself, my needs, and my relationship with God. It may sound a bit odd that now I can focus on the God-I relationship leaving the Jesuits for a time, but one can use a great program like the Jesuits as a distraction from what one needs most. I am face to face with that reality now.

So as my brothers prepare for their 30 days silent retreat I will pray from them and begin my own retreat, St. Ignatius' 19th annotation of the Spiritual Exercises (a version of the 30 days spread over several months) to keep me connected and rooted to my Jesuit passion. I have a great man as a Jesuit spiritual director.

I've appreciated all your support to get me to this point and I will continue to keep you updated on where I am going.

First step now being back in the real world: take things slow but eventually a car, job, cell phone and apartment.

Life is a gift and I and grateful to celebrate this Christmas with all of you. Christ our savior has given us every good thing in our lives and constantly wants to transform the crooked lines to make them straight. Pray that I allow him to do so these coming days and weeks ahead.

God Bless you this Christmas and may you receive every blessing, even the unexpected ones.

My Man

One word that comes to mind when asked to describe novitiate life is generous. The extent of resources and support systems that are put in place for our well being is overwhelming.

Fulfilling job? yes, definitely. teaching children and visiting the elderly.
Eats? oh man, Miss Kris Lee can make everything between a mean pot-roast to middle eastern magic.
Shelter? a house of the most caring and generous 24 men i've ever met.
Prayer? never better with weekly spiritual direction, daily mass and communal prayer, weekly faith sharing, nature walks and runs all contemplating a God who loves me more than i can ever believe or accept.

I could go on and on, but honestly, it is a bit hard at times to realize that I'm this well taken care of when i know many are not. Overall, i accept the reality i live in and the challenge it presents to me to give generously back. I know that all this lavish love is building a foundation within me to allow me to be the man God imagines me to be. By being ministered to now, i can hopefully be a better minister in the future. By receiving more than I can give back now, i will be able to give generous even when I may not be receiving anything later.

But there are moments when the tough realities of the world finds a way to reach me and the stark divide of lavish goods between myself and many of our brothers and sisters is evident. A few nights ago this very feeling was real as a man approached my parents and I in a parking lot. He explained he had just been in a fight with his wife. He pointed to his blackened eyes and asked us to help him with a few dollars so he could prepare for an interview the next day. As we ate our dinner the reality began to settle in that there are many so close among us who struggle to live decently day to day.

Tonight, it was watching my current favorite film, A Patch of Blue. I think I find this movie so moving because it reminds me of the stark reality of many of the youth I worked with and befriended as a Youth Minister in Milwaukee. So when I watched the film unfold again and witness all the trash our world has dumped out, I not only feel a twinge of uneasiness but helplessness as well.

But God always seems to find little ways to bring me back from my feelings of helplessness and remind me how to love in the Jesuit charism of small ways now so as to be trusted with larger love later. And here is how he showed me:

I was making my way towards my guilty-pleasure oasis; the local Panera for a my favorite comfort food, broccoli cheddar soup bread bowl and a cafe mocha. I saw a familiar face approaching the entrance after me. He was coming from his beat-up work van. I recognized his mostly salt and less pepper untrimmed beard and patched work clothes. I have to admit i was motivated by guilt. The week before i spied this man in Panera and honestly thought he might be homeless. Seeing his work van made me embarrassed and I realized how hard he might be working to make ends meet. So i stalled to get to the door just enough so i could hold it open for him. he said two words that not only healed my guilt but put pep in my step. His popped up and flashed me a smiling saying, "My man." Two words. No big deal. But i cherish that encounter as a reminder there are many large but sometimes small ways to reconcile my life of "haves" while living in a world many "have nots."

Lord, teach me to receive your love generously. And teach me to give as generously as you.

20th Anniversary of the Martyrs of El Salvador

November 16th marked the 20th Anniversary of the brutal killings of 6 Jesuit Priests and 2 women in San Salvador. These Martyrs of El Salvador were killed because they believed in faith that does justice. There blood was scattered like many before them during El Salvador's civil war which ended in 1992. These martyrs could have fled or tempered their words, but instead they continued teaching and preaching at the Jesuit University in San Salvador.


Many of you know that my semester abroad in El Salvador was an especially formative for my faith and especially for faith that does justice. Within a few days of our arrival in a country the size of Massachusetts, our program directors guided our culture-shocked selves on the 15 minute stroll from our homes to the gates of the Jesuit University, the University of Central America (UCA). These were the same gates the assassins forced open in the early morning hours and quickly moved to the Jesuit residence behind the chapel. Tracing the steps of the soldiers toward their targets, our conversation quieted as we walked down the hallway passing the rooms where the Jesuits and their companions were rudely awakened and dragged out into a grassy area. The students and I spread ourselves out in this small garden and imagined each of the Jesuits being ordered to lay face down.

Why were these Jesuits such a threat? Weren't they just academic professors with Roman collars? Sure maybe they roused communities with their preaching against oppressive social structures, but did this warrant death squads breaking into a quiet campus on a moonlit night?

The Jesuits laid in the grass for a few moments before the soldiers executed them. The target was the head of each Jesuit. These men were seen as the intellectual brainpower behind the revolution. They were falsely-accused of supporting Marxism and armed conflict. The real threat was their gospel and Christ they preached. They were not simply professors, but prophets of hope. They believed in a country that was not destitute. And so they could not support a government that promoted the good of a few at the expense of starvation and degradation of millions. This is why these men died. They believed in faith that does justice.

Elba and Celina, the two innocent women killed among the Jesuits, actually fled to the UCA campus seeking refuge. Celina's mother approached the Jesuits when they could no longer sleep in their house because of the sounds of whizzing bullets and regular bombings so closeby. How disheartening to hear that only a few weeks later these women were killed in the same evening as the Jesuits so as to prevent any report of a witness. Later, Elba's surviving husband planted eight rose bushes in the same grassy area the Jesuits laid down and spilled their blood. After he was able to grieve, he spoke about losing his wife and daughter among the Jesuits. He hoped that the death of his loved ones would inspire a greater respect for women in El Salvador and that women would continue to be strong and rise to fight sinful oppression. Today the eight rose bushes continue to represent life out of death, hope out of horror.

This week we remember these eight martyrs, more informally known as Ellacu, Nacho, Juan Ramon, Amando, Segundo, Tio Quin, Elba and Celina. Each of them lived an exceptional life of service to the disadvantaged. For more information about these holy people I've attached an article from Santa Clara University.

This weekend many of the Jesuit Novices will join the others from the Jesuit High School and University here in Detroit to honor these martyrs at the National Ignatian Teach-in located in Georgia. Pray for us and join me in prayer for the people of El Salvador.

I pray that we all may be inspired by their witness to faith that does justice in whatever God inspires and enables in our own life, no matter how small.

From Hogwarts to Jeff Foxworthy

These last few days have been especially full so I thought I'd offer some highlights:

• Halloween was blast hanging out with the Jesuit Volunteers Corp members of Detroit. Harry Potter was the costume of choice this year (see photo above)
  
• There seems to be a making of a band among the four novices in my ministry group. We've been asked to perform a Hawaiian Luao at the nursing home and this week to fill in for the choir director at the all school mass. There also seems to be a making of a reality tv show since the late night practices have gotten more tense with sarcastic comments leading to the occasional tussle....just kidding....well kind of. I'll keep you updated on further developments ;)
  
• I pulled a Jeff Foxworthy and decided to go head to head with the smartest math student in the 5th grade class (and probably the entire school). While it seemed like a good idea at the time to do a multiplication table timed quiz, i ended up losing by 10 seconds. Staying true to Foxworthy, I stood in front of the class and said, "My name is Adam Mescher and I am NOT smarter than a fifth grader."
• On a more academically positive note, to the appreciation of my housemates i have put some of my A+ math homework scores from the 5th grade on the refrigerator (believe it or not i do actually teach some of the time ;)
  
• Over the picture perfect weekend we enjoyed some glorious autumn football scrimmages in the backyard
• Mom's collarbone surgery went well, alright mom!
  
• Just heard that mom and pops might be able to visit after thanksgiving. This is extra special since this will be their first thanksgiving without any of their kiddies and my first ever thanksgiving away from home (finally growing up i guess).
  
• This is a great segway to mention that my visitation restrictions expire after Thanksgiving. So if you're passing through or interested in stopping by we would gladly put you up!
  
• The nursing home votes were tallied from the pumpkin decoration contest and our Hawaiian Pumpkin beauty was one of the finalists.
  
• Being all-time quarterback with the 4th graders at recess
  
• When I felt like part of the cool crowd when one of the staff at the school invited me to have lunch with them in the teacher's lounge.
• 4 birthdays this month in the house which means plenty of hilarious skits and delicious desserts (yes mom, i'm running more to counter the calories)
  
• Community Creative prayer has been boomtastic lately as well as most of the guys' homilies.
  
• Tried my first yoga class partly to prevent injuries for my running as well as for meditative reasons and found it even more enjoyable and tiring than i imagined.
  
• Three guys considering applying to the Jesuits visited last weekend and one of them had visited El Salvador which led to a long and exciting conversation about the 20th anniversary of the Jesuits killlings which we will honor on November 16th of this month. More info at: http://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/Martyrs/UCA/index.html
  
• finally some awesome care packages have arrived in the form of :
  
• #1 two Boston College/Jesuit t-shirts (my brother can sense when my old tees are fraying)
  
• #2 letters, photos and preschool art projects from JoJo and the Glafckes
• #3 another round of brownies from mom for the house (even with her broken collarbone)
  
• #4 and my favorite and the famous Bay Bakery cookies for Halloween from grandma gloria
  

THANKS SO MUCH AND EVERY GOOD BLESSING TO YOU AND YOURS